SA- Gabriela Dziekan

Journal Entry 10-22-22

 yesterday, I talked about a sexual assault story to a class of high school strangers. 

 a year ago I was sitting in the same seats

still in a trance 

mourning the loss of the version of him I painted in my head 

discrediting my own stories with every bone

for every cell in my body was manipulated into believing it never really happened

that the fictitious damage I’ve breathed in over the years was illusory

the delusion became the scalpel for the lobotomization of my memory 

I brushed off gashes as if they were merely cuts

caused by tear-soaked fortune tellers of my youth

with a knot in my stomach

my hands trembling 

I persisted 

with this flesh, I neglected for so long 

I can finally say

I’m proud to wear

it's a work in progress 

the forgiveness of transgressions

but if I learned anything from this experience 

it’s that bitterness was essential for survival 

don’t let anyone tell you differently 

bask in the rage of the “7-year bitch”

until a revolution sparks in your soul 

slowly with time

you’ll find the courage to let go 

and softness will find its space to grow.

• We have been conditioned to confuse anxiety with chemistry, get out of the chokehold.